The Chinese Theatre - Walden Welch Astrologer

"The Chinese Theatre"

Part 16

"In Touch With His Soul"

The Teenage Years

Gina Cerminara's intimate Interview with Walden Welch Continues ~

Dr: "Your father's story of how he overcame alcoholism is the most inspiring, and beautiful one I have ever heard! It is indescribably lovely. Thank you for having shared this. Now I would like to ask about Julia. What happened after her return home from having undergone her second heart surgery? Did she have any further mental complications?"

WW: "Yes she did. She did have further mental complications. Her bouts with mental disorientation did not occur everyday, but they did happen frequently."

Dr: "Give me a couple of examples, please."

WW: "Well, for instance, I would sometimes find her sitting alone crying. 'Mama, what's the matter?' I would ask. 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh, it's nothing,' she would reply. 'It's just that I hate the way my mind thinks. I hate the way I think.'"

Dr: "Have you any idea what she meant by that statement?"

WW: "Yes, I do now·but I didn't then. I thought she was suffering from guilt frustration. Mom was deeply affected by her Roman Catholic upbringing. She was very hard on herself morally. She felt she was not as good a person as she should be. She also believed that her lifetime of illness was God's punishment for her sins."

Dr: "Better known as Catholic guilts?"

WW: "Exactly! At other times she would say to me, 'I'm not the person you and your father think that I am. You would both take me off that high pedestal you put me on if you two knew all the bad things I have done.' My father had back problems. He would go to see a chiropractor at least twice a month. His spine would form a strange 'S' shape. This was probably caused by muscle strain from his work as a carpenter. I would have to give him a back massage every day to help release the tension so that the 'S' shape would disappear. Mom blamed herself for his back problem. 'It's my fault Bud has back problems,' she would say. 'I'm the one that gave him this problem. I'm the one that should suffer his pain.' I would try reasoning with her and explain that it was caused by his work. 'It's because of me that he has to work,' she would answer. 'He would have to earn his living anyway, Mom,' I would tell her. 'It's not just because of us that he has to work.' 'That's not true,' she would say sadly. 'That's simply not true.' Her lack of reasoning did not make sense. Another strange occurrence was over a necklace that she owned. Actually, it was an antique crucifix. It was spun out of pure gold. Tiny golden wires were twisted together making it look as if a spider had created a web that formed a crucifix. It was really beautiful. She had owned it as long as I could remember. As a child I had asked her where she had got it. 'It was a gift from your father,' she said. 'It was passed from his grandmother to his mother and then on to me.' She only wore it on very special occasions when I was a child. After remarrying my father I noted that she never wore it at all. 'Mom, did you loose your crucifix necklace?' I asked one day. 'Yes, I lost it. I lost it many years ago,' she replied. 'You must never mention that necklace to your father. Promise me you never will.' I assumed that she had lost the necklace and didn't want my father to know about it. However, one day she asked me to get a pair of earrings out of her jewelry box for her. One of the earrings was stuck to the velvet lining of the box. As I tugged it loose the velvet liner pulled from the tray, exposing the necklace which had been hidden underneath. When I told her I had found the necklace she became very upset. 'No! No! You weren't supposed to know where it was! Don't ever let your father know I have it. Promise me.' She was so worried and upset that I had to promise her over and over again that I would never tell him about the necklace."

Dr: "This story you are telling me about the necklace·this happened after her second heart surgery, did it not?.

WW: "Yes it did. It was one of the strange idiosyncrasies she acquired after the second heart surgery. Occasionally I would walk into her bedroom and find her sitting with the necklace in her hand. Sometimes she would use it for prayer; other times she would just sit with it in silence as if she were studying it. One Easter Sunday I took her to see the film 'The Ten Commandments'. Dad did not come with us. I remember she wore a light green dress trimmed in white. Around her throat she wore a scarf. After she kissed dad good-bye we left for the theatre together. When we arrived she removed the scarf from her neck and uncovered the crucifix. 'I wore this especially for you because it's Easter Sunday and I know you like this necklace,' she said with a smile. On our way home she covered her throat with the scarf again and as soon as we arrived she ran into the bedroom and hid it in her secret place.

"Another aspect to her strange behavior was the way she reacted to television movies regarding children who died or were adopted. Whenever she saw such a program she would burst into tears, leave the room without a word and I wouldn't see her again until the next morning. I would ask her what had happened to upset her so and she would reply, 'Oh, nothing. I was just being silly. It was a sad story, that's all.' One day she said to me, 'Honey, I can't wait until you grow up and get married and have children. I am just dying to be a grandmother.' I looked at her and replied, 'You know what Mom? I think I want to adopt babies. There are so many babies in the world that nobody wants. Why should I have my own children? I don't want a clone of me. Besides the world is over populated anyway. I would rather adopt babies. It would the same to me as if they were my very own. I would love them just as much.' Well, after I said that she fell into tears. She put her arms around me and held me very close then said, 'You are such a beautiful boy. I love you so much. Do you know how wonderful you are?' I know this doesn't sound like all that much as far as unnatural behavior goes, but for Mom it was. Matters regarding lost, dead or adopted children usually caused her mental anguish far beyond what was rational. This behavior had happened before her second heart surgery but it worsened after it."

Dr: "As I recall, your parents had lost a daughter named Priscilla who had died the year before you were born. Julia had also been separated from her daughter Marilyn. Wouldn't these instances explain her behavior regarding dead and adopted children?"

WW: "Yes, of course they would, but her feelings regarding these matters became obsessive. When Mom returned home from the hospital after her second heart surgery, she was in a state of deep confusion. She was often times lost in her own thoughts. There were times when she appeared to be extremely distant, as if she were isolated in a world of her own thinking. I would try to communicate with her, to break through her remoteness. Sometimes she just looked at me with no expression in her face, her eyes kind of glazed as if she could not clearly see me. It would take her several minutes for her to return to conscious awareness from wherever her mind had been."

Dr: "You stated that at first you didn't understand what your mother meant by certain out of the ordinary comments that she made after her release from the hospital but that you finally have come to understand them. What is it you came to understand?"

WW: "This is rather difficult to talk about and controversial to say the least. Have you ever heard the rumor that our government was doing LSD research at Stanford University during the late 1950's?"

Dr: "Yes, I have heard that rumor. However, the government has always denied such happenings."

WW: "Yes, I know. I have read several articles about it as well as seen television exposé programs attesting to the fact that our government was doing such experiments."

Dr: "And do you believe these rumors?"

WW: "Yes, I am afraid that I do. Mom's mental condition was never exactly the same after she was released from the hospital after her second heart surgery. She often times complained of seeing fantastic colors, of getting dizzy and having to sit down until the colors 'would still and go away.' She later read several articles that suggested there had been a conspiracy to hide the government's involvement with LSD experimentation, which had been given to heart patients at Stanford. One television program actually interviewed family members of heart patients who stated that their family members had been committed to mental institutions shortly after recuperation from heart surgeries. Mom became convinced she had been one of the guinea pigs research had used. In a strange way it helped her to know, or believe this. She now had a reason to explain the strange compulsions that overtook her mind from time to time. Of course there is no way to prove this theory, but there are many rumors to give one pause to consider the possibility."

Dr: "It will indeed be fascinating to see, that, if in time, more comes to light regarding this theory. Let us continue on with your story. We are currently, I believe, in your junior year of high school. Were there any extraordinary or remarkable events that transpired in you life during this period?"

WW: "Only one event that I would have considered to be major occurred during my junior year, Ronnie moved away from Bakersfield."

From Left: David (3rd), Miss 'B' (4th) Sandy (5th) Walden Standing

President of Thespians Accepting The Best Thespian Award 1961

Dr: "That must have been a shattering experience for you considering your feelings towards him."

WW: I was devastated by the news. His father got a job transfer to Los Angeles, so he and his family moved to Beverly Hills. Ronnie was as upset about the move as I was. He loved BHS and he loved Bakersfield. He hated being taken out of his high school and he hated being separated from his friends. This separation was very hard on both of us. We promised to stay best friends and write and call each other every chance we could. Los Angeles was a little over one hundred miles from Bakersfield. I, of course, did not have a car nor was it likely my father would ever let me go to visit him. We did find ways to see each other over the next couple of years. Our personal visits did not happen very often but we did stay close by letter and by phone. Meanwhile I acquired a few new friends. They were slightly older than I and in junior college. Nyla had graduated one year before me and then went on to attend Bakersfield Junior College. She introduced me to three new friends she had met. First there was a boy named Ted. He was bright and scholarly and extremely nice to me. The other fellow was named Kert. Kert was the funniest person I had ever met. And then there was a pretty tall blond girl named Mary Ann, who was originally from Anchorage Alaska. Sandi, Dave, Nyla and I blended beautifully with these three new people and we all became very close and inseparable friends. Of all of them my friendship with Kert has lasted the longest. I enjoyed running around with an older crowd. We were all together every weekend. One day I decided to brave it and confess to these friends that I thought I might be gay. I was so miserable from hiding my fear and keeping it to myself. To my amazement several of them admitted they too had the same doubt about their sexuality. Others said they couldn't care less.' What difference could that possibly make?' I suppose our friendships were an excellent example that birds of a feather flock together. Finally I had someone not only to share my secret with, but also true friends who liked me in spite of my differences. Ironically, despite my confession, my next love affair happened with a girl! Believe it or not her name was Delilah! She was one grade below me and we attended different high schools. Delilah was a wonderful, fun loving girl. She always appeared to be exuberantly happy. She had an infectious laugh and her heart was made of gold. I never hid my feelings about Ronnie from her. She was very understanding and caring about the emotional conflict and turmoil that I was going through regarding him. With her deep caring Delilah soon became my friend rather than my lover and I moved on into other relationships. In each relationship I convinced myself that I was in love. However, my infatuations burned out quickly and then I would go on to the next relationship and then into the next. I kept looking for someone who could measure up to my feelings towards Ronnie. That never happened, of course, and so I held true to the commitment that when I graduated I would move to Hollywood to be near him. He planned to go to college at USC and I planned to get a job and an apartment where we could live together while he attended school. Until that day would come I kept myself busy acting in school plays. During summer vacation I returned to Santa Cruz to stay with my grandparents and Marilyn. My father told me that if I could find a job there within my first week of arrival, I could spend the entire summer there. I frantically hunted for a job so I would not have to return home. To my great joy, I acquired two jobs. At one job I worked as a stock boy at Montgomery Wards and for the other I washed pots and pans at The Brookdale Lodge, a beautiful restaurant a few miles from Santa Cruz."

Dr: "You had several affairs during this period of time? My, you were certainly young."

WW: "Yes, I was·but suddenly I was getting attention I had never had before. I was amazed that people found me attractive for I had never felt that I was. I was so overwhelmed by this new aspect to my popularity that I over-played my opportunities. I was a romantic and I took advantage of the attention I was receiving. I was very naive, Gina. I truly believed that if someone slept with you, they loved you. I was not promiscuous for the sake of sex for sex in itself never held much interest for me. I was seriously looking to be in love and stay in a relationship forever. I was a romantic."

Dr: "I understand. You were a child of such low self-esteem that you accepted what ever form of attention that was given to you."

WW: "Yes. It would be fair to say that is true."

Dr: "Moving on·I would be particularly interested in knowing what, if any, psychic experiences happened with you during this period of time we are discussing?"

WW: "Pertaining to this two year period of time, not much - I'm sorry to say. More psychic happenings would come after this two-year period. There were two events that were significant to me, however, but I do not know if you would agree. During my junior year in high school I acquired a blister on my right heel. This blister turned into blood poisoning and, had it not been for numerous penicillin shots, I would have lost my right leg. After I recovered I was told I would never be able to go into military service because I would not be able to wear shoes required for service. The doctors discovered that I had a condition called 'recessed heels'. Evidently when I was a baby my shoes fit too tight. I was born during the Second World War when baby shoes along with thousands of other items were rationed. Since my shoes were not the proper size they caused my heels to become stunted and that is called 'recessed heels'. Also, my feet are flat, so these conditions kept me from later getting drafted into the military service."

Dr: "But I don't understand. Why do you consider this to be a psychic experience?"

WW: "Do you recall that in my early childhood when I had that strange illness mom referred to as 'Susan-I-Tis', that during my fever and hallucinations I would dream of being a teenaged soldier boy killed on the battlefield?"

Dr: "Yes, of course. I recall that."

WW: "Well if you recall, when I recovered from 'Susan-I-Tis' I prayed constantly that God would find a way to keep me from going into the military when I grew up."

Dr: "Yes. You were terrified that you might be put into a situation where you might have to kill somebody·or be killed. You shared all these fears with Julia too, as I recall."

WW: "Well, I sincerely believe that the blood blister, the recessed heels, these conditions were God's answer to my prayers. You may not believe that. You may think that this is simply a coincidence, but I fully believe God answered my childhood prayer in this manner. Later in my life when I embraced the belief in reincarnation I realized that I was that boy who was killed on a confederate battlefield in one of my past lives, and I did not want to repeat a life in which I would be forced to either take a life or have my life again taken. Another remarkable thing about having this foot ailment was the fact that I was never again allowed to participate in sports activities in school. You may recall that I hated competition of any sort, as well as that horrible feeling that comes with adrenalin rush when one competes. This truly was an answer to my childhood prayers."

Dr: "Fascinating! It is very probable considering the way you explain it. I admire, at least, the way you have chosen to take a negative and view it as a positive. What other significant incident occurred during this period?"

WW: "I had my first psychic Reading. My friend Kert drove the two of us to Santa Monica one day to have Readings with a then famous psychic named George Dareos. Mr. Dareos was well known in the Hollywood circles. He had autographed photographs all over his office walls given to him by his famous clients; Elvis Presley, Lucille Ball, Jayne Mansfield, Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, I was very impressed and excited."

Dr: "Do you remember what he told you during your Reading?"

WW: "Yes, of course. I was somewhat disappointed with his Reading at the time. However, in the months and years to follow I became greatly impressed with Mr. Dareio's abilities."

Dr: "That's usually the results when one has a good psychic Reading."

WW: "True. Things are told to you that you believe to be utterly preposterous and unlikely to occur. You disregard the information only to find that what was prophesized does occur. Those are the amazingly good and accurate Readings."

Dr: "And what did Jack Dareos tell you?"

WW: "He started out my Reading by embarrassing me. He said, 'You sexually appeal to both men and women.' I remember being very embarrassed by that statement. I think he was psychically tuning into my concerns regarding my sexuality. Throughout my Reading he kept commenting about my being psychically gifted and that I was to do work similar to his own. He kept going on and on about the fact that people would come to me for guidance and that it was my destiny to be of help to them. I was very disappointed in his Reading for I wanted him to tell me that I was going to become a famous actor. 'No,' he replied. 'You will become famous, but not as an actor.' One of the most remarkable things that came from this Reading was that Mr. Dareos kept insisting that a 'Guy' was dead. He had recently passed on and wanted to tell me 'he was regretful for the difficulties he had caused me.' 'It's a guy or a man known as Guy.' Do you know him?' Dareos asked. It finally occurred to me that he must be referring to my ex step father Guy Foss."

Dr: "And, was he?"

WW: "Yes. It was not long after that that Mom told me she had heard that Guy had died of Leukemia."

Dr: "That is amazing!"

WW: "He continued on by telling me that in the following year (1961) my life would be inundated with sudden and unexpected changes. 'I see you packing your suitcases unexpectedly. You will move south, then move suddenly north. I see a Chinese Theatre to the south. I see a Chinatown to the north. Your destiny is in the north. Let go! You think you are in love, but the person you carry an obsession for is not for you. Things are not as you wish them to be, not in matters of love. Your important love is yet to come. It will come soon, within two years. Look for a person with a name that is the name of a spice. That will be whom you will love."

Dr: "A name that is the name of a spice?"

WW: (laugh) "Yes, that's what he said. Kert and I laughed about it on our way home. Could it be: Salt'? Chili? Lemon? Lime? Mint? Mace? Paprika? Mr. and Mrs. Waldo Pepper! We got a big laugh out of that. No, in truth I was very disappointed in my Reading. It had taken me a long while to save up the money for my session and I felt I had foolishly wasted both money and time. However, it was not long before I discovered Mr. Dareos was on target with all that he had predicted."

Dr: "Go on please."

WW: "It is strange how suddenly our lives can be changed. We Astrologers call these sudden upheavals Uranian moments because the Planet Uranus is the planet of sudden and unexpected changes. Mr. Dareos was right. He predicted that my life would be inundated with sudden and unexpected changes in 1961. One evening in the fall of 1961 my life was afflicted by such a moment. Everything that happened that evening came so quickly and violently that it took me many days to put the segments of the situation together."

Dr: "Yes, I know those moments. Everything occurs so suddenly that it seems the situation is out of focus, as if a dream. What was it that occurred?"

WW: "My friend Nyla had suddenly moved to Hollywood and taken a job as a telephone operator with Pacific Bell Telephone Company. She had been my best girlfriend, Ronnie my closest male friend. I was very depressed to have had both of them move away. To make matters worse by friend Dave announced he would soon be moving to San Francisco. For the past two years Dave and I had planned to move to San Francisco together and be roommates and share expenses if I changed my mind about moving to L.A. Nyla had wanted me to move to New York City with her after I graduated from high school. That would have been my first choice at the time but I disappointed both her and myself by declining her offer because I couldn't move that far away from Mom. Because of her bad health I need to live somewhere closer to her where I could get to her quickly if needed. I could never afford the air fare of flying back to California every time she was ill. To confuse matters there was my involvement with Ronnie. He intended to remain in Los Angeles to attend college. Because of his choice, mine too was made. I had never had a personal desire to live in Los Angeles but due to his decision to attend University of Southern California I felt I had no other choice but to choose L.A. Nyla put off moving to New York due to my decision to not move there with her. She was originally from the Los Angeles area and decided to move there first, get a job and save money before later moving to New York City. Graduation day finally arrived, but the event in itself held no personal interest to me except to plan leaving Bakersfield once and for all.

Walden's Graduation Picture

"Immediately upon graduation I took two jobs in order to save enough money to move - hopefully, by years end. One job was as nighttime kitchen clean-up help at The Hacienda Hotel in Bakersfield. During the daytime I worked as a stock boy at Montgomery Wards. Let me tell you I worked my tail off that summer! My father had made it clear to me that if I wanted to attend college I would have to pay for it myself. He was so overwhelmed with medical bills that it was impossible for him to put me through school. That fall I quit my daytime job to attend Bakersfield Junior College. My attendance there lasted only till year's end. I managed to do a couple of one-act plays and play Peter in 'The Diary Of Anne Frank' before dropping out of school. I just could not take the pressure of both working and going to school.

Walden in 'The Diary of Anne Frank'

"Mr. Dareos' prediction of sudden and unexpected changes occurred late one afternoon. I came home from school to find that I had received a letter from Ronnie. He stated that he and I would not be able to get an apartment together when I moved to Los Angeles as we had planned. His parents wanted him to commute from his home in Beverly Hills to the USC campus everyday in order to cut costs and save money. I was so disappointed in the change of plans that I couldn't hold back from crying. It seemed my world had fallen apart again and I would have to try to re-plan everything. I did not hear my father when he entered my room. 'What in the hell are you crying about? he asked. 'I just got a letter from Ronnie and he said his parents are making him live at home while he attends college, so we won't be able to be roommates after all. I just don't have enough money to rent a place all by myself,' I moaned. 'Jesus Christ! The way you carry on about that Ronnie guy, one would think you were queer for him,' Dad's spoke with controlled anger. I could always tell when he was angriest because he would try and control himself from shouting which caused his voice to quiver when he spoke. I sat quietly on my bed looking down at the floor. 'Look up at me!' he said demandingly. 'Look me in the eye and tell me something? Are you? Are you queer for him? Are you a queer?' I believe that I found the courage to answer him because I was so deeply despondent that day. I looked up into his eyes and surprised myself by saying, 'I don't know.' I said it as if I was pleading for his understanding. 'I think I am. I'm not sure. I don't know, but I think that I am.' 'God Damn It! You son-of-a-bitch! I won't have a faggot in my house! I want you out of this house by tomorrow morning. Do you hear me? I want you out of this house and I wish you dead! I swear to Almighty God, I WISH YOU DEAD!' I did not speak one word to him. I simply shook my head yes in response. In a moment I heard my mother speaking. I turned my head and saw her standing in my bedroom doorway. 'Stop! Don't say that! Leave him alone. You don't mean that. You don't mean what you said.' She looked frightened, more frightened that I had ever seen her look before. She sounded so pathetic as she pleaded with him to stop threatening me. I felt desperately sorry for her. I was ashamed she had heard what had transpired between my father and I. She kept screaming, 'Don't say anymore! I know! I know, but don't say anymore.'

"I did not sleep at all that night. I did not even try. Instead I packed all my belongings. I did so as quietly as possible so as not to wake my parents whose bedroom was next to mine. I did not even turn on a light, for I was afraid that if Mom knew I was awake she would slip into my room to speak to me in secret. I remember there being a full moon that night and in that light I was able to pack my things. At one point, deep into the morning hours when I was certain my parents were not awake, I sneaked into the living room and phoned Nyla, quickly telling her what had happened and asked her if I could stay with her. She said, 'Yes.' I then phoned the Greyhound Bus service to see when the earliest bus to Hollywood was available. Next I phoned Yellow Cab and asked to be picked up at 7:30 AM. I was already dressed before dawn. I lay in bed covering myself with a blanket in case my father tried to enter my room. I listened as he prepared and ate his breakfast. I listened as his truck drove away from our house at 7:15 AM as usual. He had not entered my room that morning and I was grateful that he had not, for there was nothing more that I cared to say to him. My plan was to leave before Mom would awaken, as I did not want to face her and have to say good-bye. I felt it would be easier for both of us if I just left without any further confrontation. Besides that, I was ashamed of all that had occurred. As soon as my father left I managed to get two of my three suitcases out side into the driveway. When I came into the house to pick up my final bag I was surprised to find Mom sitting in a living room chair, bent over looking down and crocheting. It was a bazaar sight. She had just awakened, not even had her coffee, and was quietly crocheting as if she was all alone in the room and I was not present. How she had rushed into the chair so quickly was a wonder. It only took me a moment to realize she was crying and that the crocheting was a way to hide both her tears and her nervousness. She looked so tiny and pathetic sitting there. My heart ached for a moment, for I felt the pain and anguish she was suffering. I walked over to her chair very quietly. Standing in front of her I awkwardly said, 'Please, Mama·don't cry.' She did not answer me. She just continued crocheting. I watched her hands shaking as she worked needless through thread. 'Please don't cry, Mama," I repeated. She looked up into my eyes for a moment. There was almost a look of anger upon her face. Tears stained her checks and ran down upon her throat. 'What do you think you are doing?' she asked. 'I'm leaving. I'm moving away. I'm going to Los Angeles. I will live with Nyla until I can find a job.' I answered her as gently as I could. 'You'll do no such thing!' she replied firmly, her face again looking downward towards the yarn. 'You are staying here and we are working this out! Your father should not have said what he did. He should not have told you to leave. We will work this out! We will find a way.' With these words she broke into tears once again. I watched helplessly as she laid her head into the palms of her hands and began sobbing. I kneeled on the floor so that I could be eye level with her. 'Oh, please Mama·don't. Don't cry, Mama," I begged. Seeing her so sad and broken, I too began to cry. 'I have got to leave, Mama. Dad wants me out of here so I must go,' I whispered. 'This just won't work out. You know that. It will be easier if I leave.' She did not say anything. All I could hear was the sound of her crying. 'I will be all right. I will get a job. I will be all right, Mama," I promised. 'I don't want you to go. I don't know what I will do without you. I love you so much.' For a moment I couldn't say anything. Her words had so affected my heart. To see her this unhappy was more than I could bear. Finally I said, 'Mom, I don't have to move away. I mean I don't have to leave Bakersfield. I can stay here if you like. I could rent an apartment somewhere here in town to be near you. Would that make it easier for you? Would that make you happy?' 'That's not fair to you. There is nothing here for you in this town. I have got to stop being selfish and let go. I have got to do that. I must do that!' It seemed as if her words were spoken more to herself than to me. 'I feel like I have betrayed you. Your father is the one that should leave. I should tell him to go. You and I could live here, together.' I watched her expressions intently. I could almost see her ideas flit through her head as quickly as she thought them. 'No, Mama. This is not his fault. It's mine. He hasn't done anything wrong. He just spoke his beliefs. There is nothing we can do about that. There is no way we can make him see things differently.' 'But what he said isn't right! I know that he loves you. I know that he does.' I took her face gently into my two hands. Looking directly into her eyes I replied, 'Mama, I don't care if he loves me or not. Don't you understand that? I never did care. I just care that he loves you, and he does. That's what's important to me. He is a wonderful husband to you. That's what is important to me. I would never allow you to leave him. I could never allow that. Please understand·it doesn't matter to me how he feels about me.' 'But it does to me!' she cried. 'You are a wonderful boy! There isn't a finer boy in this world! You deserve better than this.' I paused for a moment then closed my eyes. With all my feeling I spoke, 'Mama·let go. Please, let go. It is best that I leave and find my own life. That's got to happen sometime and I think that now is that sometime. I'm seventeen years old. I have graduated from high school. It's time for me to leave. I have to become independent at some point and now is the best time. As long as you are with Dad I know you will be all right. I will come to visit you often. If he refuses to see me I know he won't prevent me from seeing you. We will find a way. I promise. I promise.' She sat up, back against the easy chair and took a deep breath as she wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. 'You're right. I have got to let go. If I don't let go of you now, I never will. I love you too much. That is my problem·I love you too much and I must let go.' 'Mama, I can stay here in town if that is easier for you,' I offered once again. 'No! You must do what it is in your heart to do. I don't have the right to hold you back. If you don't leave today I will never let go of you·so today is the day you must go.' She looked me deeply in the eyes and continued, 'Wally, I have raised you to be good·but please, do whatever it is you have to do to be happy. Don't ask my permission. Do and be what you wish to be. Whatever that is, you will always have my approval. If you ever hurt someone, if that should happen, if you should ever kill someone, then I may not like you·but I will always love you. And please, don't ever ask me what I think you should become. You do not need my permission. Be whatever it is you wish to be and I will be happy with whatever choice you have made. That is my prayer for you. Always remember that it is not who you once were, nor where you have come from that will matter in your life. It is who you are now and where you are going, that will matter from this day forward. And about love.' She continued, 'I love you so much that no one in this world will ever be good enough for you. I suppose that is how all mothers feel towards their children. But despite the fact that no one in this world will ever be good enough for you, I will accept unconditionally anyone whom you choose to love·anyone. Remember that·anyone. Whoever makes you happy will be welcomed in my heart.' I was deeply touched by her words and the fact that she was sacrificing her personal wishes for mine. I hugged her to me tightly in appreciation and said, 'Mama, you know that if anything ever happens to Dad, I will always take care of you.' 'No you will not,' she replied. 'You can't make me live and you can't make me die. You can only make me proud and you have already done that. You are the best thing that has ever come into my life and I will always cherish the moments I have had with you. But I also have my own life and my own personal problems to work through and what becomes of me is for me alone to experience. I only hope that you will love me enough to allow me to come and visit you, and whomever you will love, once a year for a week or two and no more.' No sooner had she spoken these words than we heard the taxicab pull into the driveway. Mama looked startled when she realized it had arrived. She looked me in the eye and I could see her panic, knowing that the moment had come for me to leave. I opened the front door and gave the taxi driver a signal that I would be there in a moment. 'Come with me,' Mom said as she motioned me to follow her into her bedroom. She stood in front or her jewelry box, which she kept on top of her vanity. She opened the box and lifted the blue velvet liner under which was hidden her gold crucifix necklace. She removed it and handed it to me. 'Here, I want you to have this,' she said. 'No, Mama, please. No, I don't want to take your necklace,' I answered. 'Take it! I want you to have it!' she said sternly. 'No, Mom, it's your favorite piece of jewelry.' 'That's why I want you to have it. Take it! Put it in your pocket. It's part of me that you can always have with you. You'll think of me every time you see it,' her voice was emotional and filled with sincerity. 'Oh, Mama, please. I don't need the necklace to think of you. I think of you all the time. You're the most important thing in my life.' She had moved me to tears with her childlike reason for wanting me to have her jewelry. 'Then keep it for luck. I insist you take it. Put it in your pocket. I want you to have it for luck.' It was as if she were begging me to take her gift and so I did as she said; I put her treasured necklace into my pants pocket. She then turned away from me and walked to her bed. She reached her arm under the bed's mattress and removed the old leather wallet my father hid his money in. She pulled out all the bills tucked inside and handed them towards me. 'Here. You take this money,' she demanded. 'No, Mama. No. I don't want it. I have money of my own that I have saved,' I replied. 'No! You take this!' she demanded again as she tried to force the money into my hand. 'Mama, Dad will never forgive you if you steal his money. Put it back. Honestly, I don't need it.' 'I want you to take this!' she cried. 'No, Mama. I won't.' I walked over to her and hugged her closely to me. 'I love you. Mama. I always will. I love you more than anything in this world. I will write to you every week and I will phone you, too.' I kissed her on her cheek and her lips. 'Goodbye, Mama. Please don't follow me outside. Please don't follow me,' I said as I grabbed my suitcase and ran out the door as quickly as I could. I jumped into the cab saying to the driver, 'Hurry! Drive away! Drive away!' He did as I commanded as quickly as he could. I did not look back through the rear window for I knew that if I saw my mother standing alone there in the driveway I would never had the heart to leave."

Dr: "Oh, my! And this was how you left home? How sad. How very sad. It is hard to understand how such a devoted relationship as you and Julie shared could have been severed so abruptly."

WW: I don't remember much about the bus drive to Los Angeles. I just remember feeling terribly, terribly frightened. My life had changed so suddenly I had not yet had time to comprehend all that had occurred. I was completely on my own from this day forward. I had two hundred and forty dollars in my pocket and nothing more. All family ties were now and forever broken. Mom and I had been through so much together. I had been her protector for seventeen years. Now, all of a sudden, we were separated. We had been torn from each other's lives in an ugly instance of intolerance and truth. I had not the vaguest idea of what was to become of me. My only hope was that I would be able to be near Ronnie where I would feel secure. I did not think of anything beyond that."

Dr: "And what did happen after you arrived in Hollywood?"

WW: (Laugh) "Mr. Dareos was correct! The day I arrived in Los Angeles, three of his predictions proved to be true. First that I would pack my suitcases suddenly, second that I would move south, and third that 'Things are not as I wished them to be, not in matters of love.'"

Dr: "Continue and explain, please?"

WW: "Ronnie picked me up at the Hollywood bus depot. During our drive to Nyla's apartment he told me that he was having an affair with a girl named Carrie. She lived with her parents directly across the street from his home. He said he was madly in love with her and that he couldn't get her out of his mind for a minute. As I sat beside him in the front seat of his car I bit my lip so that I would not cry. I listened quietly to what he had to say. My only comments were, 'I'm happy for you, Ron. That's great!' I don't remember saying anything else. I was numbed by the news he gave me and very angry with myself for having believed that he could have cared about me as I had him. I felt foolish and terribly disgusted with myself for having wasted two years of my life hoping for something that was not destined to be. When he later introduced me to Carrie I told him that I liked her. In truth I was disappointed in his choice, for in spite of my envy I felt he deserved better. As the days past I convinced myself that it was best for him that he would marry, have children and enjoy the simplicities of a normal and ordinary life. I had learned an important lesson in life when I was separated from my dog Cindy. I had learned that sometimes loving someone means having to let go of them. I now had to practice that lesson once again. Despite the logic of my reasoning, I was still heartbroken for myself. Ronnie had been one of the most important parts of my life and I would now have to relearn to letting go. I would have turned around and left Hollywood the moment he had told me about Carrie; however, I had no place else to go at that time. My friend Dave would be moving to San Francisco in a few weeks and we made plans to rent an apartment there together as soon as he found a place for us to live. I never looked for a job the few weeks that I remained in L.A. Somehow I managed to survive on what little money I had, along with Nyla's kind charity. I had also met a famous television and recording star shortly after my arrival. We had met at a party and quickly became romantically involved with each other. At first I though I had fallen in love, only to discover I loved but was not in-love with this person. It was Nyla and this famous teen idol who were of the greatest help to me during this difficult time. This short period of time that I spent in Hollywood was undoubtedly the lowest period of my life. My depressions were so great that I thought of suicide but the fear of such an act kept me from doing so. Somehow I kept managing to exist by just drifting. 'Karen Stone just drifted. She walked from one room into another never knowing how she got there or what motivated her,' Tennessee Williams had written in 'The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone.' That is what I refer to as drifting. It is an unconscious act of simply finding yourself somewhere without consciously trying to be there. I was a zombie of sorts. I found myself at parties - parties given by people I did not know. I rarely saw the sunlight for I usually spent my time at seedy after hours coffee houses such as Pergoles and The Coffee Palace which were popular hangouts during that period of time. I witnessed and experienced a side of life that I had never known existed. I observed people of my age prostituting their bodies for money. Two professional pickpockets shared an apartment next to Nyla's and mine. Another neighbor of ours burglarized homes to make money. I was naive and astounded by such subhuman behavior. I was unprepared for what the adult world offered and I was very frightened by what I witnessed. I had left home far too early and was not yet experienced enough with life to cope with what reality offered. What frightened me most was promiscuous sex, and it seemed to be everywhere. Everyone said, 'I love you' every time they wanted to get you in bed. I soon came to the conclusion that the word love was meaningless and if I was to survive I had to make up my mind that love did not exist, at least not the idealistic love that I was looking for. I quickly became hardened and cynical. Above all else I became bitter. I had never felt so despondent in my life as I did during this period."

Dr: "You had literally crashed to your lowest level of despondency?"

WW: "Indeed I had. When things got to be too much for me I would walk down Hollywood Boulevard to Grauman's Chinese Theatre. This was my most favored place. I had been living on Wilcox Street, which was just two blocks away. I would spend hours at Grauman's looking at the cement footprints of my favorite stars. Susan Hayward's footprints were imbedded there. So were Elizabeth Taylor's and Marilyn Monroe's and all the other stars I had loved. Grauman's Chinese Theatre was a magical place for me. It seemed as if nothing could go wrong there. It was a place of dreams which had been realized."

Dr: "The psychic Jack Dareos had said to you, 'I see a Chinese theater to the south.' He was obviously referring to Grauman's Chinese Theatre wasn't he? He was predicting you would be moving to Hollywood."

WW: "Yes, he was."

Dr: " And when he said, 'I see a Chinatown to the north' he was referring to your later move to San Francisco was he not?"

WW: "Yes."

Dr: "He also stated that 'Your destiny is in the north.' It appears the psychic Reading he gave for you was astonishingly accurate thus far."

WW: "Indeed it was. My move to 'the Chinatown in the north' took place as suddenly as my move to Hollywood had. One morning I awoke with the absolute certainty that I could no longer continue living in L.A. I did not like what and who I had become. I did not like the pretenses and lies in which I was living. Ronnie was coming to visit me that day and I decided I would tell him all that I had hidden from him. That afternoon I made my confession. I opened my heart and confessed my true feelings. I admitted to him that I had been living a hidden life. I told him of the love affairs I had experienced. I admitted that I had believed I was in love with him. He did not say much - rather, he looked embarrassed and nervous. As I continued with my confession I observed him doubling up his fists as if he were going to hit me. I was so broken with pain that I would not have cared if he had. At times he would become angry and call me names. A moment later he would apologized and put his arms around me and tell me he was sorry. My honesty embarrassed him greatly and he did not quite know how to handle it. I felt sorry for him as I watched him fidget and cover his face with his hands. When I had finished my confession I came to the realizations that the few intimate moments we had shared together in our past had no significant meaning for him other than being episodes of frustrated teenage sexual curiosity and release. What I had confused as love meant nothing other to him than that. After I had finished my say, I quickly packed my suitcases and asked Ronnie to drive me to the Greyhound bus station. He argued with me not to go, but I was determined to leave and insisted he do as I say. I purchased a one-way ticket on the first bus departing to San Francisco. The two of us sat in silence until my bus arrived. He hugged me goodbye and then asked me one more time to reconsider and stay, but again I said no. 'No matter what, you'll always be my best friend,' he said to me as I boarded the bus. After the door closed I looked backwards and watched him quietly standing there as bus drove away. I doubted that I would ever see Ronnie again. A few moments after I took my seat I glimpsed Grauman's Chinese Theatre for a final time as my bus neared the freeway. I was grateful that theatre had been there to befriend me during this difficult time in my life. It was all that I remember having liked during my stay in Hollywood.

Grauman's Chinese Theatre

"A couple of hours later we would have a three-hour stop over in Bakersfield. My parent's home was several blocks south of the Greyhound Terminal. To fill time I decided to take a walk there. I began my journey by walking to the corners of H Street and Truxton. Harvey Auditorium was there. I walked around the building to the doors to The Little Theatre. School had let out and they were locked. Through the panes of glass I could see Miss B's desk. Beyond that I could see the desk that had also been mine. It was the third desk in the first row where I had sat between Nyla and David for the past four years. It seemed a hundred years had passed since that time. In truth it had only been a matter of months, but those days were now forever behind me and would only live as memories in the years to come. The greatest happiness's I had ever known had taken place in this theatre. I had played every part from The Cowardly Lion in 'The Wizard Of Oz' to George in 'Our Town'. My heart ached to have to say 'goodbye to Harvey Auditorium and leave all those memories behind.

"It was twilight time by the time I reached my parents' home on the corner of 4^th and Chester Streets. I stood across the street outside the parking lot of Clarke's Broiler Restaurant. There was an old tree there and I sheltered myself behind it so that I could not be seen from the front window of my parents' home. I watched as the lights went on in the living room. A blue neon light flickered behind the curtains which I knew was the light from the television set. My father was no doubt watching the nightly newscast, with Mom sitting by his side, crocheting. I wondered if she was thinking about me. I was certain that she was. Although I wanted to go inside to see my mother, I knew I could not do so for my father would not have welcomed me. Instead, I stood there silently watching. I saw Mom's silhouette walk past the window shade on her way to the bathroom. I smiled to myself knowing that she was secretly having a cigarette behind the closed door. Dad did not know she smoked. That was a secret only she and I shared. I watched the house for about twenty minutes, and when I saw no more signs of life, I turned away and began walking up Chester Avenue on my way back to the bus terminal. I walked slowly for I knew that this was to be the last time I would ever walk this familiar path. No matter how many times I had proclaimed to hate this town, I knew in truth that I would sorely miss the times and the memories I was leaving behind. Mom had said, 'It's not who you once were or where you had come from that would matter in your life.' As I walked away from my old home I realized that I was leaving this truth behind me. Who I had been and where I had come from would not matter anymore. I stopped to buy a candy bar and magazine at Palm's Liquor Store at the corner of Truxton and Chester. I had bought a thousand magazines from this store before. Palm's was the only newsstand in town that carried 'Theatre Arts' and I had spent a small fortune in lunch money buying every monthly edition there during my high school years. Today I decided to purchase a Three Musketeer's Bar and a copy of Dell's 'Horoscope Magazine.' I suppose I selected that magazine because I was curious to see what the Astrologers would predict for my future. Tomorrow was The Chinese New Year and I would begin a new life in San Francisco. I was anxious to see Chinatown in that city where Jack Dareos had predicted I was to be. Mom had said, 'It's who you are now and where you are going that would matter in my future.' I thought about her words as I boarded the bus and took my first step towards my tomorrows. In the days ahead of me I would come to discover who I was and why I was in mysterious ways before unknown to me. I was soon to become an astrologer. I was soon to find the person whom I was destined to love. All of this was to come about just a bus ride away from that house on Fourth Street in Bakersfield, California. It would all come to happen in a city named San Francisco, only two hundred and eighty-four miles away."

The End

Part 16